On Advice

When it comes to my sexuality, I’ve always relished new experiences, and discovering previously-unexplored desires. It therefore brings me constant delight to return the favour, and facilitate new experiences for my clients, especially those of a decidedly kinky bent. I find sessioning with newbies really sexy (I can’t help but enjoy the feeling of corrupting them..), as well as finding it gratifying that someone trusts me to lead them through unfamiliar terrain. Many people are curious to dip their toe into the waters of BDSM, but for the uninitiated, these can often seem intimidating. Seeing a skilled professional is therefore often the ideal space in which to do so.

Beginners’ nerves can be especially acute for the aspiring top, as the responsibility to lead a scene ostensibly falls to them. A significant percentage of my clients come to see me to discover their dominant side, but are looking for a little guidance in doing so.  Taking a more dominant role does generally involve exerting confidence and driving a scene forward, and it’s these components that can be a little daunting if you’re a beginner. I completely understand these anxieties – most of us experience them at some point or another, especially when it comes to something as intense and exposing as BDSM. However, knowledge is power, so I thought I’d compile some of the introductory pointers I always discuss with clients who are new to kink.

It’s far from an exhaustive list, but hopefully a good place start – especially if you’re coming to meet me.

Do some advance reading/thinking/viewing

Whenever I speak to new clients, the first thing I’ll ask is what they find sexy or intriguing about kink. It continues to surprise me how many people haven’t thought about this themselves. Is it the idea of being in control of someone else? The notion of someone being humiliated or debased? The visual aspects of seeing someone bound and exposed? Maybe you’re an ethical sadist who enjoys giving pain? Or perhaps your kinks are linked to a specific fetish or role-play, which you keep finding yourself fixating on? There are no right or wrong answers when it comes to preferences, but having a sense of what motivates them means you’ll be better able to communicate what you want – which is key to us having the most rewarding session possible.

If you’re not exactly sure, I’d suggest falling down some internet rabbit holes and looking for the common factors in the things that turn you on. This will be the most fun homework anyone ever sets you, I promise.

Take your time

If this is your first time trying out kinky play, you’re definitely not going to want it to feel rushed. It’s important to factor in enough time for us to have a comprehensive introductory discussion, and for us to have a look at all the exciting toys, kit and equipment I have that you might like to play with. As a result, I’d recommend booking at least 2 hours, and 1.5 at the absolute minimum. Frankly, any less is a false economy, as we’ll run out of time just as you’re hitting your stride.

Be honest

Our session will be a safe, non-judgemental space for you to experiment with alternative aspects of your sexuality. This is an environment in which you can be totally honest, so there’s no need to misrepresent your knowledge level. Firstly there’s very little point in this: I’m an experienced player, and if you lie about your skills, I’ll be able to spot that pretty early on. What’s more, if you mention upfront that you’d like to try some caning, for example, but haven’t wielded one before, I can spend a little time demonstrating best practise in advance of us getting started. This’ll make our play safer, more mutually rewarding, and will lay a great foundation for any future sessions.

Introduce power dynamics

Power dynamics – or rather power differentials between people – lie at the heart of BDSM.  Dominants use myriad approaches to express this power and control over submissive partners, ranging from restraint, to sadism, to humiliation.  Sometimes these involve a lot of skill – shibari rope tying, for example, or the judicious use of an implement like a flogger – but there are plenty of simple ways to establish your dominance in a scene. Anything which makes your ‘higher’ power status evident, such as your partner being naked whilst you’re full clothed, instructing someone to perform a simplistic task for you, or having them stand or kneel in way that you find pleasing. At the start of a scene, I particularly enjoy being given a few basic instructions (nothing too challenging or esoteric initially), and using these to transition into a submissive headspace. It’s almost ritualistic, a little like a warm-up before a game of tennis, and allows both players to ‘plug in’ to the scene that’s about to begin.

Similarly, some of my favourite dominant partners will often start a scene by stating the ‘rules’ of our engagement, and making me verbally commit to them. These can obviously be anything both partners enjoy, but some of my favourites include things like ‘you will always endeavour to please me’, ‘speak only when spoken to, and ‘‘you won’t orgasm without permission’.

Techniques such as these provide straightforward and accessible ways to incorporate power dynamics into play, and are a great way to find your feet as a dom.

Check in

Whether you’re a novice or veteran player, when playing with a new partner, it’s important to check in with your submissive throughout. This makes the sub feels safe, but is also reassuring for a dominant that they’re on the right track. Is that spanking too hard? Is that bondage too tight? Are those nipple clamps too painful? It’s always worth asking me. There are plenty of straightforward ways of incorporating this in a scene, such as asking a sub if they think they deserve more of something. And for those that are looking for a clear and specific indication of how a submissive partner is doing, I recommend asking a sub to score the intensity of something on a numeric scale, in which 1 = barely registering and 10 = too much, dial it down. I always discuss with clients beforehand which number I’m most comfortable at, and the fun then lies in working up to that ideal level.


So, there you have it: a few basic introductory pointers. Of course, these are just approaches that work for me, and one size may not fit all – sex, like so much else, is a very subjective experience. As always, I think the key thing remains good communication –  something that’s at the heart of all my play.  If that’s important to you too, and you’re looking for an experienced and intelligent provider to explore kink with, then perhaps you ought to get in touch.

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